Conversations Across
Power Gaps
Speaking Up, Speaking Down, and Speaking Across
The Letter E
In one of the most elegant experiments in social psychology, Adam Galinsky and his colleagues at the Kellogg School of Management primed participants with different levels of power, then asked them to do something absurdly simple: draw the letter E on their own forehead.
The Results Were Revelatory
High Power Participants:
Drew the E oriented so they could read it themselves—but it appeared backwards to anyone facing them.
Wrote from their own perspective.
Low Power Participants:
Drew the E oriented correctly for the observer—readable to others, backwards to themselves.
Wrote from someone else's perspective.
The Central Problem
Power changes how you see the world—and the change happens beneath your conscious awareness. The powerful lose perspective. The less powerful over-accommodate. And both sides walk away with fundamentally distorted views of what just happened.
This module teaches you to navigate that distortion—whether you're the one with less power, the one with more, or the one navigating the ambiguous middle.
Part 1: The Power Perception Gap
Everyone Overestimates the Other Side
Most Consistent Finding in Negotiation Research
Most people dramatically overestimate the other side's power and underestimate their own. The power gap you feel may be largely self-created.
❌ What You See:
"They have all the leverage."
✅ What's Often Actually True:
They have leverage on some issues. You have leverage on others.
❌ What You See:
"They don't need me."
✅ What's Often Actually True:
They invested time in this conversation, which means they need something.
❌ What You See:
"I can't push back—they're too senior."
✅ What's Often Actually True:
Senior people are often surrounded by agreement. Thoughtful pushback is rare and valued.
❌ What You See:
"They could walk away tomorrow."
✅ What's Often Actually True:
Walking away has costs they haven't shared with you.
❌ What You See:
"I have no alternatives."
✅ What's Often Actually True:
You haven't fully explored your alternatives (BATNA)—or you're undervaluing the ones you have.
The Architect's First Move
Challenge your own perception of the power gap before you challenge anything else. Most power gaps shrink dramatically under honest scrutiny.
Part 2: What Power Does to the Powerful
The Empathy Blind Spot
Galinsky's Research Findings
Across four experiments: power was consistently associated with a reduced tendency to comprehend how other people see, think, and feel.
- • Less likely to adopt another person's visual perspective
- • Less likely to account for others' knowledge gaps
- • Less accurate in identifying emotional expressions
- • Reduced neural activation in brain regions for perspective-taking (fMRI studies)
The Devastating Irony
The person with the most power in the room is often the person with the least accurate understanding of what's happening in the room.
The Full Catalog of Power's Effects
The Upsides (for the powerful individual)
Greater focus on goals and potential gains rather than losses
Increased optimism and willingness to take calculated risks
Reduced vulnerability to intimidation or emotional manipulation
More assertive communication and clearer articulation of interests
The Downsides (for relationship & outcome)
Overconfidence in one's own judgment
Increased tendency toward risky ultimatums and bluffing
Reduced perspective-taking and empathic accuracy
Greater psychological distance from low-power individuals
Reduced cooperation and increased preference for dominance
Temptation to deceive—power increases willingness to use ethically questionable tactics
Harvard PON: The Most Effective Negotiators
"Combine power with empathy. When powerful negotiators actively consider the other side's interests, they preserve the advantages of assertiveness and persistence while avoiding excessive risk-taking or relationship damage."
That sentence describes the Architect perfectly.
Part 3: Speaking Up
When You Hold Less Power — The Art of Influence Without Authority
You feel the power gap in your body before your mind:
The tightness in your chest, the urge to soften, the voice whispering "who are you to challenge this?"
Here's what the research says: Your power is almost certainly greater than you perceive it to be.
Five Strategies for Speaking Up
1. Lead with value, not position
Be the person who brings insight the other side can't get elsewhere. What can you see, know, or offer that they can't easily replace?
"I've been looking at this from the implementation side, and there's a risk that may not be visible from where you sit. Can I share what I'm seeing?"
Principle:
You're not challenging their authority. You're offering value that enhances their decision.
2. Use Clarity to name what others won't
The unspoken concern is the most corrosive. The less powerful person often holds critical information the powerful person needs but cannot access.
"I want to flag something that might be uncomfortable but could save us significant problems later."
Principle:
You become disproportionately valuable when you're willing to name reality.
3. Ask calibrated questions instead of making direct challenges
A question invites reflection. A statement invites defensiveness.
"What happens if this doesn't work the way we're projecting?" "How would you like me to handle it if the timeline turns out to be unachievable?"
Principle:
These questions invite the powerful person to reason their way to your concern—far more persuasive than telling them they're wrong.
4. Know your BATNA—and let it show
The single greatest source of power is your alternatives. You don't need to threaten or bluff.
Genuinely understand your options and let that knowledge show up in your posture, tone, and willingness to say no.
Principle:
A person who can walk away—and the other side knows it—is never truly powerless.
5. Build the relationship before you need it
The time to establish trust is before the high-stakes conversation—not during it.
A single coffee conversation, helpful information shared voluntarily, a moment of genuine connection transforms the dynamic.
Principle:
From 'subordinate requesting something' to 'trusted voice offering perspective.'
Exercise: Speaking Up Practice
Prepare for your next asymmetric conversation
What insight, data, or perspective can you offer that they can't get elsewhere?
What's the uncomfortable truth that everyone sees but no one is saying?
Instead of a direct challenge, what question invites them to reason toward your concern?
What happens if this conversation produces no agreement? What are your real alternatives?
Part 4: Speaking Down
When You Hold More Power — The Silence You're Creating Without Knowing It
The Most Important Thing to Learn
People are not telling you the truth.
Not because they're dishonest. Because you're scary.
Amy Edmondson's Research
Fear of speaking up is the default in most organizations—and leaders are usually the last to know.
"If I speak up and it's welcome, I'll do it again. But if I'm humiliated publicly, it could be a while before I do it again."
One bad experience can silence a person for months—or permanently. And you may never know it happened.
Six Practices for the Powerful
1. Assume you're not getting the full picture
If you hold power, your default assumption: 'There is information in this room I am not receiving because people are afraid to share it.'
2. Invite dissent explicitly—and name it as valuable
You cannot simply tell people to speak up. You must actively invite specific forms of candor and visibly reward it.
"What are the risks I'm not seeing?" "If you were going to argue against this direction, what would you say?"
3. React to bad news with curiosity, not frustration
The moment you react with visible irritation, you've taught the room that candor has consequences.
The Architect's response: "Thank you. Tell me more. What should we do about it?"
4. Admit your own mistakes first
When leaders publicly acknowledge errors, they signal that fallibility is acceptable.
"I got that wrong last quarter. Here's what I learned."
5. Check for understanding—don't assume agreement
Silence from a less powerful person is not agreement. It is often suppression.
"I notice it got quiet. What are you thinking?" "What's the strongest case against what I just proposed?"
6. Design the conversation for safety
Send topic in advance. Open with explicit invitation. Use structure where fears can be named without feeling like criticism.
"I'm genuinely looking for your honest perspective, even—especially—if it's different from mine."
Exercise: Creating Psychological Safety
Design your next conversation for candor
Write the exact words you'll use to explicitly invite people to disagree with you
Plan your response when someone brings you an uncomfortable truth
What will you say when the room goes quiet after you speak?
Part 5: Speaking Across
When No One Has Formal Authority — The Hidden Power Struggle
Not all power gaps involve org charts
Some of the most challenging conversations happen between peers—co-founders, colleagues, neighbors, spouses in equal partnerships.
Invisible, shifting power dynamics based on: expertise asymmetry, emotional labor asymmetry, confidence asymmetry, social capital asymmetry.
The Danger
These power dynamics operate beneath the surface. No one acknowledges them—because there's no formal power to point to—but they shape every exchange.
The Architect's Approach to Peer Conversations
Name the dynamic
Surface the invisible power asymmetry that's shaping the conversation.
"I notice that I tend to defer to you on these decisions. I want to make sure we're both genuinely influencing the direction."
Establish shared authority
Before discussing content, establish process.
"How should we make this decision? Do we both need to agree? Let's decide how we decide before we start deciding."
Watch for the fawn pattern
The person who cares more about the relationship often becomes the chronic conceder—agreeing to preserve harmony, accumulating resentment.
If you recognize this in yourself: assertiveness issue. If in the other person: empathy issue—their agreement might not be genuine.
Use the Design Challenge Frame
When peer conversations get competitive, reset the dynamic.
"We both want this to succeed. You're seeing it from one angle; I'm seeing it from another. How do we design something that accounts for both?"
Exercise: The Power Role Reversal
Practice: Feeling Both Sides of the Gap
This exercise produces genuine insight about how power shapes behavior
By forcing you to experience both positions: high power and low power in the same conversation scenario
Choose a power asymmetry scenario: direct report/manager, small vendor/major client, junior/senior physician, adult child/aging parent
What did power feel like? Did you become less curious? Did you shut down candor without realizing it?
What did less power feel like? Where did your nervous system go? Did you say everything you wanted to say?
How did experiencing the other position change your understanding? What surprised you? What will you do differently?
Key Takeaways
The Letter E experiment: Power changes how you see the world beneath conscious awareness. The powerful write from their own perspective; the less powerful write from others'.
Power Perception Gap: Most people dramatically overestimate the other side's power and underestimate their own. The gap you feel is often self-created.
What power does to the powerful: Reduces perspective-taking at neural level, decreases empathic concern, impairs emotional recognition. The powerful literally lose access to signals about others' experience.
Speaking Up (less power): Lead with value, use clarity to name what others won't, ask calibrated questions, know your BATNA, build the relationship before you need it.
Speaking Down (more power): Assume you're not getting the full picture, invite dissent explicitly, react to bad news with curiosity, admit mistakes first, check for understanding, design for safety.
Speaking Across (peer conversations): Name the dynamic, establish shared authority, watch for fawn pattern, use Design Challenge Frame to reset competitive dynamics.
Hidden power asymmetries: Expertise, emotional labor, confidence, and social capital create invisible power gaps even between formal peers.
Psychological safety: Fear of speaking up is the default. Leaders are usually last to know. One bad experience can silence a person for months.
Power as responsibility: If you hold more power, you carry responsibility to actively seek the perspective that power makes invisible.
Ultimate truth: Power isn't something you hold. It's something people grant you—based on how you show up in conversations that matter most.
Power as Responsibility
If you hold less power:
You are almost certainly more influential than you believe. Your value, your alternatives, your willingness to name reality—these are forms of power no org chart can grant or revoke.
If you hold more power:
You carry a responsibility you may not have fully reckoned with. Your position reduces your ability to see what's happening at the very moment when seeing clearly matters most.
If you're navigating peer-to-peer:
Name the dynamic. Establish the process. Refuse to let invisible power asymmetries silently shape the outcome while both parties pretend they don't exist.
The Ultimate Truth
Power isn't something you hold. It's something people grant you—based on how you show up in the conversations that matter most.